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Helga on the Couch/Transcript
Scene 1 ( Principal Wartz plays with toy animals until Dr. Bliss enters the room.) Principal Wartz: Come in. Dr. Bliss: Principal Wartz? I'm Dr. Bliss. Principal Wartz : Oh, Dr. Bliss. I'm Principal Wartz. Welcome to PS 118. Dr. Bliss: Thank you. Principal Wartz: What did you mean by that? Dr. Bliss: Nothing. Principal Wartz: So Dr. Bliss, I heard the school district has found a minor budget to send us a child phsycologist on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school. Very nice of them, but what are you doing here so early? Dr. Bliss: I'm suppose to work on my phsycological profile on you Principal Wartz. Principal Wartz: What? Dr. Bliss: (giggles) I'm kidding. I just thought I'd spend the day early. You know, observing the kids. Principal Wartz: Ha yes, well make yourself at home. Rome the hall and observe away, but you won't find a phscyological interest. Dr. Bliss: Oh. And why not? Principal Wartz: Because unlike PS 117 and PS 119, PS 118 is the picture of mental health. Scene 2 ( Helga stomps down the halls angry as usual.) Helga: Outta my way geek bait!!! Principal Wartz: Well happy hunting doctor. Dr. Bliss: Thank you. Helga: One side moron! I'm walkin' here! ( Dr. Bliss's jaw drops at Helga.) Helga: What are you looking at?!?! ( Dr. Bliss starts writing down on her clipboard. The kids in the classroom start laughing at the blackboard drawing of Mr. Simmons.) Pheobe: Ohio Gasimos Helga. Helga: Ugh, no Japanese right now Pheobe. I have a headache. Pheobe: Oh, okay. English. Mr. Simmons: (whispering) ''Oh yes. We-welcome. '''Helga:' Who's the skirt? Mr. Simmons: Class, settle down please. Listening ears. Today we have a very special guest. Our school district "phsycologist", Dr. Bliss. Helga: Whoop-de-doo. The school shrink. Bring it on. I've got nothin' to hide. ( Helga draws a picture of Arnold.) Mr. Simmons:' Dr. Bliss has been out in the fields observing classes and has randomly decided to observe us. Us meaning the students and not the teachers. Am I right Dr. Bliss? ''(chuckles) Anyway, uh, just remember to be your own speical selves as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening. '''Helga: (scoffs) ''That's easy. ''( Helga shoots a spitball at Arnold causing him to glare at her.) Helga: What?! ( Arnold turns his head away and Dr. Bliss starts writing on her clipboard. Later, Helga looks at her mini figure she made of Arnold and swoons at him. Near the end of class, she shoots another spitball at Arnold causing him to glare at her again.) Helga: What?! What are you lookin' at Football Head?! ( Dr. Bliss notices Helga's rude behavior again and writes on her clipboard. The school bell rings for recces and Arnold gets up, sighs, and brushes the spitballs out of his hair.) Scene 3 Helga: Pheobe! Go save my four-square court. And if Harold tries to steal it, tell him I'll pull his appendex out the old-fashioned way. Pheobe: Saving. Helga: (scoffs) ''Arnold. What a nerd. What a goof. What a tiny-hatted little creep. How I hate him. And yet.... I love him. Oh Arnold, bashton of sanity in this crazy mixed-up world in which we live. Oh how tender I get you brush past me. How I forget my cares. How your essence lingers, sweetening the air. And I feel peace; true peace at last. Ohh.... '''Brainy:' ( breathing deeply) ''Hi. ''( Helga smacks him and Dr. Bliss notices Brainy out-cold.) Dr. Bliss: Oh my... ( Helga gets sent to Principal Wartz's office.) Helga: Okay, I hit him. So what? Principal Wartz: Miss Pataki need I remind you that striking another student is a violation of the school policy? Helga: Brainy? He doesn't mind. I do it all the time. What?! You'd sock him to if he was standing there behind you breathing. Dr. Bliss: Breathing? Helga: Yes, breathing! Principal Wartz: Young lady, that is quite enough. When I welcomed Dr. Bliss to rome the halls of PS 118 I never imagened she'd find a canidate for treatment before lunchtime! Helga: Treatment? Dr. Bliss: Helga, I recommend we meet after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Principal Wartz: To punish you soundly for blately insociet acts of juvenile delinquentcy! Dr. Bliss: Principal Wartz, please sit down. May I handle this? Principal Wartz: Yes. Fine fine. Of course. Take it away doctor. ( Principal Wartz pulls out two toy animals and starts playing with them.) Dr. Bliss: Helga, the point isn't to punish you. The point is to discuss the anti-social tendesis and examen possible strategies for improvement. Helga: Huh? Dr. Bliss: I think your behavior covers up other important issues and I want to get to the root of the matter. Maybe uncover some emotions you may be hiding. ( Helga looks at the hand-made mini figure of Arnold.) Helga: Hiding?! Scene 4 ( Helga walks home panicking.) Helga: Thinks I'm crazy? Hiding something? It's okay Helga ol' girl. You're fine.' '''You can do it. You're not nuts. ''( She crashes into a lemon cart and pictures them as Arnold.) Arnold Lemons: Hey Helga. How's it goin'? Helga: Ohhh.... ( Helga runs away from lemons and heads home while Big Bob talks on the phone with Principal Wartz.) Big Bob:' THERAPY?!?! Ahh, this never would've happened to Olga. Look, is this gonna cost me anything?! Good. ''( Helga tries to sneak upstairs but her dad catches her.) '''Big Bob: Hold it right there missy! Report to the trophy room pronto! ( Helga, Big Bob, and Miriam enter the trophy room.) Big Bob: We didn't have therapy when I was a kid. Helga: (scoffs) That's obvious Bob. Big Bob: I don't want you blabin' to some school shrink. We Patakis don't talk about things. Sweep 'em under the rug. Miriam: ( sips her "smoothie") ''Some things are best swept under the rug Helga. '''Big Bob:' So don't blab or they'll give us a one-way ticket to the Funny Farm. Ya Got it?! Helga: I got it Dad! ( Helga stomps to her room and gets ready for bed.) Big Bob: This never would've happened to Olga. Miriam: I know sweetie. I know. Helga: ( brushes her teeth) Get to the root of the matter. Maybe uncover some emotions. This is a disaster! Well I don't care how smart she is, no school shrink is gonna make me reveal my deepest, darkest secret---My love for Arnold. ( She claps and the lights in her closet turn on revealing a shrine of Arnold. She turns on some creepy indian music, applies lipstick on her cheeks, ties a blanket on her like a cape, bows down, and takes the Arnold head of the shrine and wears it on her head.) Helga: Oh Arnold, by the power of the shrine, please give me strengh to outwit the school shrink. ( trips on a light cord) ''Whoa! ''( Miriam and Big Bob enter her room.) Miriam: Helga? We heard a crash. Are you alright honey? Helga: Of course. I was just.... getting ready for bed. Miriam: Oh, okay. Sleep well. ( closes the door.) Big Bob: Yeesh! What a nutjob! Miriam: I need a smoothie... Scene 5 ( Helga heads to Dr. Bliss's building wearing a Sherlock Homes disguise, but Pheobe notices her.) Pheobe: Hello Helga. Are you wearing a disguise because you're embarrassed about your upcoming sesion with Dr. Bliss? Because therapy at a young age is perfectly acceptable and quite useful. There's nothing at all to be ashamed or nervous about. Helga: (scoffs) ''Nervous? Are you kidding? I'm just gonna make up stories for an hour. It'll be a snap. ''( Helga enters Dr. Blisss office.)'' '''Dr. Bliss: